A dream

I was on stage at a big production play being put on by a man I know. I was one of the people he hired to help with the play. The first act was over and the curtain was closing on the first act. He was nervous and was sitting at a long table. There were other people sitting at the table with him. As the curtain was closing (I was on stage in the background and could see the curtains were almost closed, but I could still see in the audience, so the first act wasn’t completely over, but was almost there) the man was worried about the next act. I asked him if I could see the script. He said yes or mumbled something that I didn’t quite get. I didn’t get the script, so I walked over to the left side of the stage and asked several people for the script. Then they told me: THERE WAS NO SCRIPT! It was all being written as it happened. They hired me to WRITE THE SCRIPT! It took me a second, but I got it. The script was ongoing and hadn’t as of yet been written. I was to write it as we went along. It was my creativity and thought processes that they hired so I COULD WRITE THE SCRIPT FOR THE NEXT ACT!

As I went through my ‘ah-ha’ moment in the dream, the man asked me to watch a gathering of people at an event that was not unlike a picnic. There were a bunch of kids there playing football. They were young kids, 7-10 and I noticed one kid that was 7 and had curly red hair. He was a southpaw and throwing the ball way too hard for the other kids. I picked up a football to throw and I noticed it wouldn’t fit in my hand like I thought it should. I threw it though, and it didn’t go very far at all.

Then I woke up!

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That Damnable Closet!

23:00 what a day this has been. I started out this morning by seeing a number of visions concerning cleaning out my closets. I have to do this or I will not be able to finish my race well. In the last several days, I’ve seen God at work in the deepest of recesses in my life. He showed me a picture of me with him in my house:

We were talking and walking along a hallway. He stopped in front of a closet. He said we needed to clean out the closet. I suddenly got very agitated and animated. I told him I thought that was a great idea. “You clean it out and when you’re done, let me know. I will be in the other room. You are the one that wants to clean it out, I don’t. Just let me know when you’re done.”

Then the vision was gone. I knew what it meant. It was brutally clear to me. I’ve been praying for many years asking God to clean out that damnable closet. I’ve asked, begged and pleaded for him to clean out the closet. It never got cleaned out. I made the comment on more than one occasion that it must be ok with God to have a dirty closet because I can’t get it cleaned and He doesn’t seem to want to. But the vision explained all of that. In order to clean out the closet, I have to actually GO INTO THE CLOSET to clean it. I have done everything but go into the closet. The closet is full of things I don’t want to see or feel. That is the issue here, I don’t want to feel those things again. I have managed to separate myself from those feelings and I don’t want to experience them again. I want them to simply go away. But that’s not what is going to happen. They aren’t going away and I’ve known that for a long time but wouldn’t admit it, rather thinking if I ignored them they would disappear.

So the Lord said the time is now to clean this closet. I was sitting in my office in stunned silence. Job said it best “that which I have so greatly feared has come upon me!” I asked “How do I do this?” Almost immediately I saw a picture of guys in my home fellowship and the pastor, Shannon, Jimmy, David and Ralph. I saw them sitting at the kitchen table at Ralph’s home. I also knew what that meant and slowly nodded my head. It meant I needed to open the closet, go into it and have them help me stay on my feet as I start cleaning. I’ve walked through this many times since Sunday and there are buckets of un shed tears in there. The shame of this is almost unbearable. I’m 62 and I shouldn’t be dealing with this crap at my age. But that doesn’t matter, because I am. I’m dealing with it now because I haven’t dealt with it sooner. The anger that is bound up inside is in that closet. The source of addictions is in the closet. My failures and sins are all in that closet. I sat at my desk looking out the window at the things He has shown me about this accursed closet. Before I do this Lord, I want to talk to my counselor because I feel safe there. I called and the only opening she had between now and August 11 was today at 5:00. On the way to her office the Lord quickened to me I needed to expand my zone of safety and this process will do that by letting Godly men know what is tearing me up inside. I was good at burying this for the last 35 years. I can’t do that anymore. It won’t stay buried.

So I am letting you 4 guys that are involved with my home fellowship know I need some time with you at Ralph’s house so I can start the cleaning process. I might add that I am really scared about this. This is new to me. My stomach is about 2 Tums short of throwing up at any minute.

James 5:16 (AMP) Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart]. The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working].

The Wood Chips

It’s been too long since I posted anything. After surgery was over and a month of recovery time, I’ve had to go back to work. My boss has this ridiculous idea I need to be productive during work hours. Like DUH!

The last couple of weeks have been a blur. I fell on the way to the doctor’s office my knee cart hit a rock on the way to the ‘safe’ handicap ramp and flipped me over the handle bars landing squarely on my ribs. It wasn’t long before I realized the ability to breathe is important. The pain was so bad I laid down to “rest” and it took me a full 15 minutes to just roll over so I could sit up. Oh I wouldn’t wish rib damage on my worst enemy. So it’s taken me a couple of weeks to just recover from that. Blogging kind of fell off the radar screen if you know what I mean.

But this morning was special. I walked down the driveway to get the paper. I picked it up and as I was walking back up the driveway, I noticed the freshly spread wood chips to the right and the left of the house. This has been a concern of mine for some time. Most of the tree services in our area no longer cut and chip. They simply cut, stack and leave or take it with them. But they don’t bring chippers with them. But my wife found a company that chipped. We had to have some tree work done so she hired them.

Turns out they chip. After they were done, they had a load of chips and asked us where to put them. My lovely wife showed them. Since we need two loads of chips, I didn’t think much of it at the time. About a week later I was working and got a knock at the door. It was the driver of the chipper truck that did our work. “We are cutting in the area and need to dump this load of chips. Can you take another one?” Sure, so I showed him where to put it.

I thanked him and the Lord for the gift. But it wasn’t until this morning walking back up the driveway I connected the dots on the earlier concern I had about paying for the chips we would need. The Lord provided exactly what we needed when we needed it and I was so blind, I didn’t get that it was an answer to a ‘concern’ I had. I don’t remember if I prayed specifically for it or not, but The Lord did provide.

God is something special ain’t he?

Jekyll (Sometimes Hyde)

A long overdue cleaning

Background

I had foot surgery in the middle of May. I have great insurance with my company and part of the insurance is short term disability. Basically that is 30 days off with full pay. I was hoping during that time I would spend it deep in prayer with God and I working out the thorny details of my life. Well to quote radio personality and author Steve Brown, “WHAT WAS I THINKING!” What did happen during my time off was more sexual problems arose to the surface of my somewhat grubby flesh! The Lord has helped me work through the issues raised though and I have much more ‘task clarity’ concerning how I am to deal scripturally with the items that surfaced.

So, I am back at work for 2 days and I go to my family doctor to discuss my extremely low testosterone levels. My wife drops me off in the parking lot and using my medically prescribed knee cart to get from the parking lot to the handicap ramp, I hit a small rock with the right front wheel. In a flash I am over the handlebars and land on the pavement on the ribs on my right side and my right knee. Having played football, I knew I had at least badly bruised and at worst broken my ribs. Last night was ‘rib damage +3’. I could hardly breathe all night. So it will be off to get x-rays and see what type of damage I have incurred from this.

The cleaning begins

Meanwhile, back on the ranch … So yesterday I took my pain medicine and was able to at least breathe ok. I sat in my office and looked around. I felt motivated by the Lord to clean the place. So I pulled my iPad and Logitech wireless blu-tooth boom box and opened Amazon Prime and started listening to a documentary on mythology. It was brilliantly done and caused me to pause in my cleaning efforts to jot down some notes.

But here is the interesting part. As I pulled out the books to clean the shelves (found an entire colony of dust bunnies behind them) I sensed the Holy Spirit standing there with me and He was looking at the books with me. I started talking to Him about the books and realized some very important points I hadn’t considered before. These points were literally charged by the presence of the Holy Spirit. Here is what I found (besides the dust bunny colony):

  1. I have 425 books in my ‘library’ in my office and 85 e-books on Nook for a total of 510 books.
  2. I have fully read about 170 books.
  3. There are about 50 books that I have read nothing in, having purchased them because they are good books and something I either need to read or want to read later.
  4. There are 270 books I’ve read quite a bit in but never finished. I noticed a vast majority of these were heavily and annotated with muti-coloured highlight colours, pens and so forth.
  5. The 2 categories I have the most books in are leadership with 80 and military/history with 50.

 

 

I sat back to rest my suddenly screaming ribs and the Holy Spirit began to zero in on group 4. A close analysis of group 4 showed I was reading and looking for something when I stopped reading in the book. I began to realize I was reading these books (most of this category were God or healing oriented) as if I were looking for something, found it and moved on to something else. As I looked at the topics I read I began to get a much clearer picture of who I am.

What I learned is exciting (at least to me). I began to see my reading was simply an expression of my relationship with God. I will blog again and explore this in detail soon. For the time being though, it’s quite interesting to have the Holy Spirit show me things about myself that only He knows and He’s about to let me in on the secret!

Stay tuned …

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE IT IN AMERICAN SPORTS!

Last night I set aside all thoughts about sex, troubles and work to enjoy my favorite sporting activity, the pursuit of Lord Stanley’s cup. There is no sporting event in the world that compares to the Stanley Cup. NONE. For sheer excitement and drama it simply doesn’t get any better than the Stanley cup, especially with Doc Emerick calling the game.

Doughty fires … HE HIT THE POST … OH MY, WHAT CHAOS!!!!!!

The Superbowl and World Series are nice to watch, but they simply PALE in comparison to Lord Stanley’s finals!

Even though the Rangers lost, watching Jonathan Quick vs Henrick Lundquist was like watching two giants slugging it out with each other. Save after save after save by both Goalies. Only Jesus saves more than these two!

Congrats to the new Champions of the hockey world:

The Los Angeles Kings!

How will the Lord fill this gap in my heart?

23:11 It’s no secret I’ve been running from sexual addiction issues for so many years. I found in the last year though that I simply can’t run anymore. Not only that, sexual issues from WAY back have surfaced and I’ve caved in and ‘acted out’ as Patrick Carnes would say.

This morning, I spent a couple of hours just asking the Lord questions about why I am where I am. I listened to some new musical group I hadn’t even been aware of until yesterday. ‘Gregorian’ Is a unique group and they have a really good mix of sounds. I heard them do Clapton’s classic “Tears in Heaven” and I simply broke down. I’m thankful it happened early in the morning (06:00 AM) so I didn’t bother my wife. During this time the Lord showed me event and event and event where I experienced rejection and rather than face it, I buried it. This isn’t just when I was a kid, but spread out over time even up until the last few years. I saw it. It made sense to me. It’s a complete embarrassment to me to admit it, but sexual rejection has been rather commonplace.

Now, I can’t buffalo the Lord. So I laid it all out and I asked this question with sincere honesty?

Lord: how do I allow YOU to fill the gap here in my heart? How do you fill this obviously most important gap in my life?

I don’t know, I honestly don’t have a clue!

A prayer of lament

Psalms 46:10 (AMP) Let be and be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations! I will be exalted in the earth!

Father: I need to keep this verse constantly in mind. I am weak and feeble when it comes to my flesh. I’m literally miserable about it. I’ve allowed it to run amok and I don’t know what to do. I can’t make it better. When people come to me and try to tell me that you are ‘pleased’ with me, I don’t believe them. I see you like a big ‘father’ that is always half put out with me because I fail so often and fail this task. I try to get past my limited view of you and I just don’t do it. I don’t know how to ask you for help. I just am so miserable internally about this. Help me to cease striving and let be and be still as this Psalm admonishes me to do.

I absolutely hate being ‘weak’. I’m not into weakness, I want to be strong. Yet I am weak in this area. I might try to project strength, but I’m not. I’m weak.

I’m also silent. When I get like this, I shut down. I don’t talk to people and I don’t communicate with people. I just shut up. David admonishes me to not do this as well!

Psalms 51:15 (AMP) O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth shall show forth Your praise.

Thank you Father

Hyde (Sometimes Jekyll)