This has been a really good morning. I asked the Lord to show me where to read and I was taken to the story of the Prodigal son in Luke 15. I read it in the personalized Bible. There are a number of elements there that spoke to me.
The first was the Father was after his son. Regardless of what else the kid did, he was the Father’s son.
Secondly, it says he wasted his living on riotous living with prostitutes. In others words, sexual stuff. This tells me the Father has been there done that when it comes to peoples struggling with sexual issues. Prostitutes and men were the same back then. Guys wanted blow jobs. Wives wouldn’t give it to them and prostitutes did.
Thirdly was the kid had to hit the bottom. Then and only then did he turn around. (It seems every time I think I’ve hit bottom, I break through the floor again!!!!
The Father understood that!
Yesterday was horrible. I found my lust was completely out of control. There is no reason for this. I not only allow my self time and effort to do this, I have realized in the last couple of days, I really enjoy oral sex with guys. It simply is a turn on for me.
This isn’t good. There is nothing about it that is good. But I have to deal with it regardless. I don’t think I’ve spent the time or effort to think through my internal life. Not at all. It just is.
I have to repent of all of this, but I know me Lord. If I repent with words and not with my heart, what have I accomplished? Nothing, not a thing. Oswald Chambers hit the nail on the head this morning in “Highest”:
The greatest spiritual blessing we receive is when we come to the knowledge that we are destitute. Until we get there, our Lord is powerless. He can do nothing for us as long as we think we are sufficient in and of ourselves. We must enter into His kingdom through the door of destitution. As long as we are “rich,” particularly in the area of pride or independence, God can do nothing for us.
Things are screwed up for me right now. I’m in a position I NEVER thought I would be in. Not a chance in hell I would have told you that I would ever be in this mess.
I’m not sure the world needs another blog about Gay’s and the church and the Bible. Well, I’m going to write one anyway. This issue the Holy Spirit hit home to me. I’ve been married nigh on 40 years. No troubles at all at home beyond the normal marital issues.
I am a born again believer. I know the Word and have a good relationship with The Lord. But then “it” happened. Eight years ago I was on a business trip. I’ve traveled all of my adult life and have always been very careful about engaging in any activity that would endanger my marriage.
I can’t tell you why this happened but it did. I drank too much and found myself in a strange house on my knees getting ready to give a transexual a blow job. I didn’t, but I wanted to.
Every since that night, this has been a struggle for me.
Now it’s getting worse. There used to be a lot of Jekyll and a bit of Hyde. Now it seems like Hyde is catching up.
I’ve counselors about sexual issues. They know some of the issues, but not all of them. Since I don’t talk about this with anyone, I thought I would blog about it and let the Lord work through it with me.
Hebrews 13:5 (ESV)
 Keep your life *free from love of money, and *be content with what you have, for he has said, *“I will never leave you nor forsake you.”