Yesterday was horrible. I found my lust was completely out of control. There is no reason for this. I not only allow my self time and effort to do this, I have realized in the last couple of days, I really enjoy oral sex with guys. It simply is a turn on for me.
This isn’t good. There is nothing about it that is good. But I have to deal with it regardless. I don’t think I’ve spent the time or effort to think through my internal life. Not at all. It just is.
I have to repent of all of this, but I know me Lord. If I repent with words and not with my heart, what have I accomplished? Nothing, not a thing. Oswald Chambers hit the nail on the head this morning in “Highest”:
The greatest spiritual blessing we receive is when we come to the knowledge that we are destitute. Until we get there, our Lord is powerless. He can do nothing for us as long as we think we are sufficient in and of ourselves. We must enter into His kingdom through the door of destitution. As long as we are “rich,” particularly in the area of pride or independence, God can do nothing for us.