I’ve stepped in it this time …..

07:01 I’m in a hotel. I woke up and started looking around deeply at the shambles of my life. I am helpless in the face of my sin. I can’t do anything about it. Nothing. I’m not talking about taking the appropriate steps of discipline. That’s not what is at stake here (although I don’t do those either). What is at stake here is I am choosing to sin and pursue darkness rather than light. I WANT the darkness it appears. I don’t want to want it, but it appears in the depth of my being, I WANT sin. I want sex, I want adultery, I want homosexuality, I want prescription drugs, I want alcohol, I want to spend money, I want, I want, I want, I want and I want more! The evangelist was right, both things can grow and get stronger at the same time! This is true. Hyde and Jekyll both grow and get stronger. The thing here is Jekyll CAN’T KILL HYDE! For in doing so, he would destroy himself!

Lord: I do have faith you will do what’s best for me. I have not trusted this mess of sexual sin’s over to you. But I do trust you will do what’s best for me. I have not prayed for you to choose the best way to solve the problem. I have asked you to solve the problem in a way that’s best for me. A way that would avoid embarrassment and shame. I don’t want people to know me. I’m sorry, I just don’t. I am completely ashamed of me. Completely. But my way is producing nothing. I don’t have the ability to fix this or stop it. I’m out of control. You can fix it. I can’t. So I am going to ask you to do what you know is right and fix it. I can’t fulfill my calling with this monkey on my back. I can’t. I want to be the person you showed me in December and I can’t be. My self has simply gotten worse. Hyde is getting stronger. He’s a brute and a bully and he doesn’t care who he hurts or what happens to others as long as he gets what he wants.

Only you can stop Hyde. I can’t. So I give you permission to stop him. Do what’s necessary to stop him. I’m in your hands here. I want to be your close intimate, not a servant who cowers in shame and fear and operates out of obligation alone.

I confess my sin to you. I have committed adultery and I ask you to cleanse me of this offense. I ask you to protect her father. She’s a good woman and she’s alone and looking for the same things everyone else looks for and I made a mess of it. Don’t hold this against her. Don’t let the established emotional bond grow anymore father, allow it to die right here and right now. (Note: this has happened. She is a complete “one-night stand!”)

Lord I ask you to not let this be known to Mary. She doesn’t deserve this and she would be damaged so deeply. I don’t know how you can do this and make me whole, but you are the God of the impossible. You’ve told us to ask and you shall receive. I’m asking that you correct me in a way that Mary will not be hurt. I don’t know how you will do that, but I know you can do it. Keep me close to you Lord and don’t allow me to stray. I know you knew all of this many moons ago. You knew this in December. You’ve mad provision for me to fulfill your calling. Help me to do that now. Don’t let me make excuses for my sin by blaming others. This is my mess and I own it. I accept the responsibility for my actions.

Help me God, for I am in a mess of my own creation!

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This world and it’s ruler(s) are all screwed up

17:43 What an incredible day. I had dreams last night about me being in a Stryker with my wife and we were running around on hills with mud.

I also had a vision this morning about a former employee. She was a VP I had come to know and love as a good friend and top flight professional. One day on a conference call I’m informed she’s no longer there and no one and I mean NO ONE will speak her name. Who knows what happened there. But suddenly she shows up a vendor we work with as a VP there with a different last name. I have no clue what happened and I’m not going to pursue to find out. But this morning as I was reading the Word and going over the scriptures in 1 Peter 4, the Lord gave me a vision. It was a vision that showed me God’s love for her and how she needs prayer and encouragement.

That vision sort of set the tone for the day. The entire day has been a day of tender spots. I watched a couple of movies that were difficult. One with Marlo Thomas (true story) about a mother whose Daughter got cancer, and then she got cancer and she was in the middle of a divorce, and I might add a difficult divorce. The mother died. It was such a difficult story for me. I actually cried over it.

I think the difficulty is seeing people and their lives in the light of spiritual warfare. Shit is happening all around us and people are being killed right and left, and you feel so damned impotent. One man spoke in our home fellowship last night about the fact so many people have such divergent views of spiritual warfare that it is somewhat of a difficult concept to talk about. People really don’t understand it.

I don’t know how I can fight this war. The man brought up a great point last night: What Jesus calls you to do will be resisted by the enemy. I don’t know if I am being shown the resistance now or I am in training now to learn how to face upcoming resistance. Either way it’s a tough nut to crack.

I’m trying to work through some difficult business issues. Work is such a cluster. This deal I’m working with is an unmitigated disaster. The guy responsible for the mess is sitting on his ass and not doing anything. I have no respect for him in his position because he simply isn’t doing what is right. When he goes to see a customer he is full of shit. I’ve heard him talk. Instead of admitting we were wrong, he wants to blame someone else. He is continually blaming the program and that is in essence he’s blaming me. We caused the problem, just fix the damn thing. What’s right isn’t as much an issue as what’s cheapest. That’s another problem with sin and what Adam did. Everything is fucked up. Everything. Work, dating, marriage, everything is fucked up because of sin. Jesus certainly paid the price for us, but that doesn’t eliminate the problem, it provides a temporary solution. We are strangers on a strange planet inhabited by inept creatures caught in the middle of cosmic warfare that is killing people everywhere and they simply don’t get it!

Go figure!

Learning to grieve losses – Part One

I have a wonderful counselor/therapist. She is one of the smartest women I know in the ways of relationships and in getting people in touch with the Lord. (The fact she is also one of the most beautiful women I know doesn’t hurt a thing either). One of the things she has been working with me to implement is grieving my losses. I don’t do that well. A person who has spent so much time fighting has learned to protect himself from more and more pain. I don’t like pain and have assiduously avoided it over the years. It seemed natural to me.

But I took this position to the extreme. As I progressed along the lines of physical maturity (I’m getting older) i noticed I didn’t invest myself in things that could cause pain if they died, lost or the relationship went south. I gave up my interests in sports. I used to be a rabid sports fan. Not anymore. I don’t watch much sports. I didn’t watch the world series last year and can’t at this time even tell you who won or even played in it. The reason I don’t? To invest so much energy into sports opens you up for very painful losses. I lost some championship games in the 1980’s that are still painful for me. I have no investment in the people I’ve known over the year. Another way to put it is this: There is no one I’ve known that has died that I care to ever see again. There just isn’t anyone.

This has bothered me extensively as I began to see it. I sat back and asked the Lord about it. As He began to show me areas where this was true, I was struck by the fact I don’t know how to grieve. I just shut down when the opportunity is presented to me, I simply shut down.

My counselor told me I need to process through grieving the loss of my sexual years. I can’t get them back and I don’t know what to do to calm the volcano that seems to always be boiling just under the surface ready to erupt at the wrong possible moment.

Matthew 16:24 (MSG) {24} Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how.

Shame: I’m not doing well in dealing with it

It’s been hard for me to get back on my feet because of the shame of my last sexual bender. People who really don’t understand or know what I’ve been struggling with will blithely tell you to not be ashamed. Most of these people don’t have a clue what they are talking about. The ones who do, usually keep their mouths shut from such meaningless theological tripe. I have one friend who was a lesbian (she would tell she used to be, but isn’t now) that I can speak to about this. She’s 17 years younger than I, but a truer friend I doubt I will ever have. I told her of my recent struggles with Mr. Hyde. She understood completely and instead of giving me platitudes, she gave me her love and support. She told me if I needed to text or call her to do so anytime. Her friendship and input is worth a thousand well meaning but ignorant people who simply don’t know! This whole sexual business is fucked up in my life, and I mean TOTALLY fucked up. I realize not only do I not have a clue about how the Lord meant it to be, but I never have even been close. My wife has had to suffer through my pathetic efforts at “love” and that truly aggravates me and is a source of deep shame. Who the hell wouldn’t be ashamed of the stuff I’ve pulled and the attitudes I have? I hate it, I just hate it, but there is not a damned thing I can do to change the past, and unless there is some unknown something happening soon, there is NO sex in my future.

Last Thursday my wife and I attended a healing service at our old church. I went forward for some physical issues. The man that prayed for me laid hands on me and I immediately felt a tremendous peace. He was praying for my arm, but the peace flowed through me so I could relax. Every time he laid hands on me I was literally flooded with peace. I liked that. I needed that.

But something else happened that unnerved me. He told me the Lord was telling me He loved me me very much and I was very valuable and thought of highly by Him and He was proud of me. What is interesting is I heard him say this to me. But I didn’t believe a word of it. I find that more than a bit disturbing. For I surely know in my head God does think like that. I know that’s what the scriptures tell me and I believe the scriptures. But when someone tells me that, I don’t believe a word of it. I think it’s because I know me. I know what I am like.

Hebrews 12:1-4 (HCSB) {12:1} Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, {2} keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne. {3} For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, so that you won’t grow weary and lose heart. {4} In struggling against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

Fear cometh in the morning …

Psalms 34:4-5 TNIV) {4} I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. {5} Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

I am having a very difficult time. I know what I am called to do. I know when I am going to retire. I also know I am a born again, tongue talking Christian who loves God.

I have also learned as Dr. Jekyll did, that Mr. Hyde is never far from me. Mr. Hyde is capable and willing to do any devious, sinful thing there is. He would engage in illicit sex. He thinks nothing of performing oral sex on other men. In fact, he likes it! He is a liar and as unworthy an individual as there ever was.

But somehow, the Gospel has gotten a hold of Jekyll and he now has a completely different view of Hyde. Hyde is wicked beyond measure. Yet Hyde resides within the same body as the Holy Spirit! WHATS UP WITH THAT!!!

I wake up fearful of Hyde and his ability to screw up my life. Will my wife discover THIS aspect of Hyde? Will she learn that Hyde (not Jekyll) is a liar and a pervert? Even though Jekyll understands there are two people here, just try to convince Mrs. Jekyll that it is Hyde and not Jekyll that has done these wicked things. She won’t buy it for a minute!

Coming around to course one four zero

“Come around to course one four zero.” These are the words from one of my favorite movies of all time, “The Enemy Below”. The destroyer captain (Robert Mitchum) realizes that the sub commander (Curt Jergens) always returns to his original heading of one four zero after there is a scrape between his destroyer and Curt Jergens’s sub.

This morning, the Lord brought this to my attention as I was reading. I started reading Timothy Keller’s mini-series book on “The Great Enemy”. I realize I’ve been in a battle the last couple of weeks and I’ve not done well. I know the Lord wants me to get back up and move forward. Well when I started to read Keller’s book, I began to have my interest stirred and my attention to the Word come roaring back to life. Keller’s book sets the foundation for spiritual warfare. This is an area God has anointed me. As I started to read, I began to see that many of the things I have learned and seen over the last couple of months were being confirmed by Keller. That was when I “heard” Curt Jergens say “Come around to course one four zero”. I knew immediately the Lord was telling me I was returning to the course He set for me. I’ve just come through a battle that has taken me off course, but now I am returning to course one four zero.