Shame: I’m not doing well in dealing with it

It’s been hard for me to get back on my feet because of the shame of my last sexual bender. People who really don’t understand or know what I’ve been struggling with will blithely tell you to not be ashamed. Most of these people don’t have a clue what they are talking about. The ones who do, usually keep their mouths shut from such meaningless theological tripe. I have one friend who was a lesbian (she would tell she used to be, but isn’t now) that I can speak to about this. She’s 17 years younger than I, but a truer friend I doubt I will ever have. I told her of my recent struggles with Mr. Hyde. She understood completely and instead of giving me platitudes, she gave me her love and support. She told me if I needed to text or call her to do so anytime. Her friendship and input is worth a thousand well meaning but ignorant people who simply don’t know! This whole sexual business is fucked up in my life, and I mean TOTALLY fucked up. I realize not only do I not have a clue about how the Lord meant it to be, but I never have even been close. My wife has had to suffer through my pathetic efforts at “love” and that truly aggravates me and is a source of deep shame. Who the hell wouldn’t be ashamed of the stuff I’ve pulled and the attitudes I have? I hate it, I just hate it, but there is not a damned thing I can do to change the past, and unless there is some unknown something happening soon, there is NO sex in my future.

Last Thursday my wife and I attended a healing service at our old church. I went forward for some physical issues. The man that prayed for me laid hands on me and I immediately felt a tremendous peace. He was praying for my arm, but the peace flowed through me so I could relax. Every time he laid hands on me I was literally flooded with peace. I liked that. I needed that.

But something else happened that unnerved me. He told me the Lord was telling me He loved me me very much and I was very valuable and thought of highly by Him and He was proud of me. What is interesting is I heard him say this to me. But I didn’t believe a word of it. I find that more than a bit disturbing. For I surely know in my head God does think like that. I know that’s what the scriptures tell me and I believe the scriptures. But when someone tells me that, I don’t believe a word of it. I think it’s because I know me. I know what I am like.

Hebrews 12:1-4 (HCSB) {12:1} Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, {2} keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne. {3} For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, so that you won’t grow weary and lose heart. {4} In struggling against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

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