I’ve stepped in it this time …..

07:01 I’m in a hotel. I woke up and started looking around deeply at the shambles of my life. I am helpless in the face of my sin. I can’t do anything about it. Nothing. I’m not talking about taking the appropriate steps of discipline. That’s not what is at stake here (although I don’t do those either). What is at stake here is I am choosing to sin and pursue darkness rather than light. I WANT the darkness it appears. I don’t want to want it, but it appears in the depth of my being, I WANT sin. I want sex, I want adultery, I want homosexuality, I want prescription drugs, I want alcohol, I want to spend money, I want, I want, I want, I want and I want more! The evangelist was right, both things can grow and get stronger at the same time! This is true. Hyde and Jekyll both grow and get stronger. The thing here is Jekyll CAN’T KILL HYDE! For in doing so, he would destroy himself!

Lord: I do have faith you will do what’s best for me. I have not trusted this mess of sexual sin’s over to you. But I do trust you will do what’s best for me. I have not prayed for you to choose the best way to solve the problem. I have asked you to solve the problem in a way that’s best for me. A way that would avoid embarrassment and shame. I don’t want people to know me. I’m sorry, I just don’t. I am completely ashamed of me. Completely. But my way is producing nothing. I don’t have the ability to fix this or stop it. I’m out of control. You can fix it. I can’t. So I am going to ask you to do what you know is right and fix it. I can’t fulfill my calling with this monkey on my back. I can’t. I want to be the person you showed me in December and I can’t be. My self has simply gotten worse. Hyde is getting stronger. He’s a brute and a bully and he doesn’t care who he hurts or what happens to others as long as he gets what he wants.

Only you can stop Hyde. I can’t. So I give you permission to stop him. Do what’s necessary to stop him. I’m in your hands here. I want to be your close intimate, not a servant who cowers in shame and fear and operates out of obligation alone.

I confess my sin to you. I have committed adultery and I ask you to cleanse me of this offense. I ask you to protect her father. She’s a good woman and she’s alone and looking for the same things everyone else looks for and I made a mess of it. Don’t hold this against her. Don’t let the established emotional bond grow anymore father, allow it to die right here and right now. (Note: this has happened. She is a complete “one-night stand!”)

Lord I ask you to not let this be known to Mary. She doesn’t deserve this and she would be damaged so deeply. I don’t know how you can do this and make me whole, but you are the God of the impossible. You’ve told us to ask and you shall receive. I’m asking that you correct me in a way that Mary will not be hurt. I don’t know how you will do that, but I know you can do it. Keep me close to you Lord and don’t allow me to stray. I know you knew all of this many moons ago. You knew this in December. You’ve mad provision for me to fulfill your calling. Help me to do that now. Don’t let me make excuses for my sin by blaming others. This is my mess and I own it. I accept the responsibility for my actions.

Help me God, for I am in a mess of my own creation!


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