It’s been 10 days since I had sexual relations with a woman not my wife. The first time in 40 years. The emotions of the moment have long passed and I need to do some serious reflection.
There is no excuse for this behavior. it is sin, period! Immediately upon waking the next morning I knew I needed to repent and confess this to a Christian brother. I did exactly that. He was the first person that came to mind though. Not my wife. Over the next week i began to search out the why’s of the the situation. “Why had I felt the need to do this?” Psalm 51 makes it clear my sin is against God. I needed to work with Him to get through this mess.
Over the week it became obvious I needed to deal with the relationship problem I have with my wife. This is where it gets tricky. Not because I won’t tell her, but it’s the why’s that are the problems. I am not going into detail now, but I will say this through. The Lord made it clear to me I needed to come clean about the issues that have been bugging me and made this obviously sinful action look like a good idea.
I got the idea to sit down and write out the event as I saw it at the time. I did that. I wrote out everything about the event I could and how I felt about it.
Then I got the idea to step back and actually look at what happened and how I felt about each step along the way. When I did that, I saw 5 or six distinct stages I experienced that I felt were important. Why those things are no longer available in my marriage.
Finally the idea came to explain the stages to my counselor. She will not be caught off guard and will be able to help me understand my feelings. I don’t share feelings well. She will help me.
Finally the idea came to me to have my wife and I both enter into counseling.
I have always thought Psalm 23’s reference to “the valley of the shadow of death” would refer to some external event. It never occurred to me the valley would be internal.