Where are the tears?

20:17 Dear Lord: I am exhausted. I am ashamed again. I’m just tired Lord. I am whipped and I wish I had a chance to sit and cry. I wish I could, but I can’t. I can tell there is a need to, but I have no idea how to begin. I’m a guy. I’ve talked to you about this before. I have a sense there is a deep core of something that should have come out years ago, but didn’t. I do remember crying as boy because I was in some pretty bad situations. I look back at them now, and I don’t know why I was in the situations I was in. I don’t know why they refused to help me but I cried and cried to get my parents to get me the hell out of Dodge, but they wouldn’t do it. “You need to toughen up. Be a man!” My mom actually told that to me when I was 14.

After thinking about this, I understand why I don’t cry. I can actually go back to the day I made the decision that I was done with crying. It happened in a red phone booth in the middle of the boarding school I was sent to for an education. I got educated all right. I learned how to give blow jobs and how to get my ass beat. Yes I was educated all right. I called and begged to be taken home but that didn’t happen. So one night I said (and I quote) “Fuck this shit! I am done with begging them to do anything.” I went into the phone booth as a young scared little boy. I came out like the alien out of the chest of the guy in the 1979 movie ‘Alien’.

I developed the habit of not crying. When I should have cried, I got angry. Really angry! I often moved into combat mode and would fight at the drop of a hat. Then there were 2 failed engagements. One girl turned out to be banging the wrestling team while we were making plans to spend the rest of our life together. I didn’t figure that was going to work out so I moved on. Three years later I’m engaged again. We were 30 days from the wedding when her mother injected herself into the mix by insisting we have children. We had settled that question (no kids) BEFORE the engagement. As the conversation grew heated I turned to my bride to be for support and with one look realized if I went ahead with the wedding, I would soon be a father and that was not going to happen. So I broke this one off. So much for weddings.

I then met the most interesting date I’d ever been out with. Her name? Lysergic Acid Diethylamide. Most folks know her by her initials, LSD! She was a hot date for sure. We traveled all over the world together. We sure had a boatload of fun. She was an easy date. She would be there whenever I called and she was always ready to go on a trip with me. She was a very colorful date to say the least! I still smile when I think of her. We were together for several years. We were constant companions. I have very fond memories of her.

But then I met my wife and I quickly broke up with Ms Diethylamide. There was no room for her when my wife showed up. I was swept off my feet. Our relationship was hot and dynamic right out of the gate. We hit it off in every way.

It’s now forty years later and I find myself in a mess. Upon reflection of my situation with the Lord I understand very clearly the mess is of my doing and my responsibility and mine alone. Whatever issues I have with my wife, it is my responsibility to work it out with her and the Lord. I didn’t do that. It’s difficult to learn you’ve missed the first 5 stages of your relationship with your wife for 40 years. How utterly selfish. That is devastating to be honest. I capped this all off with my most recent caper.

I’ve thrown sand in my own transmission and my life has somewhat ground to a halt at this present time. But scriptures have a word of hope for folks like me. Joel 2:25 (HCSB) {25} I will repay you for the years that the swarming locust ate, the young locust, the destroying locust, and the devouring locust — My great army that I sent against you.

I’m very sad. But I can’t cry. There are no tears there. I wish there were, but there aren’t. I read in Psalms where the Psalmists spoke of the tears (Psalms 6:6 (HCSB) {6} I am weary from my groaning; with my tears I dampen my pillow and drench my bed every night. ) and (Psalms 42:3 (HCSB) {3} My tears have been my food day and night, while all day long people say to me, “Where is your God?”) as well as (Psalms 56:8 (HCSB) {8} You Yourself have recorded my wanderings. Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your records?)

I need to cry Lord, I really do need to! I’ve fucked this up royal and I have no clue what to do. I just don’t know. Please help me!

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6 thoughts on “Where are the tears?

  1. You’ve already begun. You’ve cast this prayer up to Him and He hears you. Grief comes in different forms and cycles for everyone. You are waiting for tears, and your heart is already in mourning. There is nothing to do – just be in it, and with Him. He’ll guide you through it in His time, step by step.

  2. As usual, I appreciate your input. I’m just now getting to the point where I can be honest with both myself and The Lord with these things. I made the decision there will be no more “King James” approaches with God. I’m no good at King James and He isn’t impressed with my efforts anyway.

    You’ve become like a good friend that I look forward to reading your missives. I’m thinking about setting out a second cup of coffee for you as I start reading in the morning!!!! Black? One lump or two? Cream? | Jekyll

  3. This is very sad. But I’m going to take a different approach to it. Why do you need to cry? It’s the traditional expected response to frustrations, sadness, loss of control, shame, but why almost force yourself if you’ve learnt how not to? I say this a someone who has been there and actually I feel stronger for it. When I’m curled up in ball it is the stance of victim and frankly sometimes that stance is okay when you’re simply exhausted and it’s needed. But if there are no tears may be you can take ownership of your past and say that’s my past, but I’m here today and today is where I can make the difference.

    Maybe there is indeed a deep core of something that should have come out years ago, but perhaps it’s not tears?

    • Good insight. I’m not looking to cry, probably won’t or couldn’t at this point. I’m just trying to get honest and realize when I should have cried I ddin’t. Knowing about it though, at least opens me up to being more “human” and open. I just know there is a “core” that needs to be dealt with. I trust The Lord will show me how to do that. While I can’t turn around 40 years of neglect, I don’t have to have 41 years of neglect. I just don’t know what that looks like. I don’t have much experience with it. Been a fighter all my lilfe, not a lover. Now I’m in a pickle for sure. Can’t fight and don’t know how to be a good lover. Not a good situation to be in! Let’s keep in touch oh wise young one!!!!

      • This sir, “While I can’t turn around 40 years of neglect, I don’t have to have 41 years of neglect,” is spot on.

        And “I just don’t know what that looks like. I don’t have much experience with it…” goes under ‘welcome to being human!’ When we’re a bit lost, we tend to forget that we’re not the only ones who have to find things out as we go.
        One of my favourite lines someone said about business but it could apply just as well to life is, ‘be humble, you don’t know what you’re doing. No one does.’
        And yes, lets keep in touch, you sound like you’re on an epic personal journey. 🙂

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