A long overdue cleaning

Background

I had foot surgery in the middle of May. I have great insurance with my company and part of the insurance is short term disability. Basically that is 30 days off with full pay. I was hoping during that time I would spend it deep in prayer with God and I working out the thorny details of my life. Well to quote radio personality and author Steve Brown, “WHAT WAS I THINKING!” What did happen during my time off was more sexual problems arose to the surface of my somewhat grubby flesh! The Lord has helped me work through the issues raised though and I have much more ‘task clarity’ concerning how I am to deal scripturally with the items that surfaced.

So, I am back at work for 2 days and I go to my family doctor to discuss my extremely low testosterone levels. My wife drops me off in the parking lot and using my medically prescribed knee cart to get from the parking lot to the handicap ramp, I hit a small rock with the right front wheel. In a flash I am over the handlebars and land on the pavement on the ribs on my right side and my right knee. Having played football, I knew I had at least badly bruised and at worst broken my ribs. Last night was ‘rib damage +3’. I could hardly breathe all night. So it will be off to get x-rays and see what type of damage I have incurred from this.

The cleaning begins

Meanwhile, back on the ranch … So yesterday I took my pain medicine and was able to at least breathe ok. I sat in my office and looked around. I felt motivated by the Lord to clean the place. So I pulled my iPad and Logitech wireless blu-tooth boom box and opened Amazon Prime and started listening to a documentary on mythology. It was brilliantly done and caused me to pause in my cleaning efforts to jot down some notes.

But here is the interesting part. As I pulled out the books to clean the shelves (found an entire colony of dust bunnies behind them) I sensed the Holy Spirit standing there with me and He was looking at the books with me. I started talking to Him about the books and realized some very important points I hadn’t considered before. These points were literally charged by the presence of the Holy Spirit. Here is what I found (besides the dust bunny colony):

  1. I have 425 books in my ‘library’ in my office and 85 e-books on Nook for a total of 510 books.
  2. I have fully read about 170 books.
  3. There are about 50 books that I have read nothing in, having purchased them because they are good books and something I either need to read or want to read later.
  4. There are 270 books I’ve read quite a bit in but never finished. I noticed a vast majority of these were heavily and annotated with muti-coloured highlight colours, pens and so forth.
  5. The 2 categories I have the most books in are leadership with 80 and military/history with 50.

 

 

I sat back to rest my suddenly screaming ribs and the Holy Spirit began to zero in on group 4. A close analysis of group 4 showed I was reading and looking for something when I stopped reading in the book. I began to realize I was reading these books (most of this category were God or healing oriented) as if I were looking for something, found it and moved on to something else. As I looked at the topics I read I began to get a much clearer picture of who I am.

What I learned is exciting (at least to me). I began to see my reading was simply an expression of my relationship with God. I will blog again and explore this in detail soon. For the time being though, it’s quite interesting to have the Holy Spirit show me things about myself that only He knows and He’s about to let me in on the secret!

Stay tuned …

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE IT IN AMERICAN SPORTS!

Last night I set aside all thoughts about sex, troubles and work to enjoy my favorite sporting activity, the pursuit of Lord Stanley’s cup. There is no sporting event in the world that compares to the Stanley Cup. NONE. For sheer excitement and drama it simply doesn’t get any better than the Stanley cup, especially with Doc Emerick calling the game.

Doughty fires … HE HIT THE POST … OH MY, WHAT CHAOS!!!!!!

The Superbowl and World Series are nice to watch, but they simply PALE in comparison to Lord Stanley’s finals!

Even though the Rangers lost, watching Jonathan Quick vs Henrick Lundquist was like watching two giants slugging it out with each other. Save after save after save by both Goalies. Only Jesus saves more than these two!

Congrats to the new Champions of the hockey world:

The Los Angeles Kings!

How will the Lord fill this gap in my heart?

23:11 It’s no secret I’ve been running from sexual addiction issues for so many years. I found in the last year though that I simply can’t run anymore. Not only that, sexual issues from WAY back have surfaced and I’ve caved in and ‘acted out’ as Patrick Carnes would say.

This morning, I spent a couple of hours just asking the Lord questions about why I am where I am. I listened to some new musical group I hadn’t even been aware of until yesterday. ‘Gregorian’ Is a unique group and they have a really good mix of sounds. I heard them do Clapton’s classic “Tears in Heaven” and I simply broke down. I’m thankful it happened early in the morning (06:00 AM) so I didn’t bother my wife. During this time the Lord showed me event and event and event where I experienced rejection and rather than face it, I buried it. This isn’t just when I was a kid, but spread out over time even up until the last few years. I saw it. It made sense to me. It’s a complete embarrassment to me to admit it, but sexual rejection has been rather commonplace.

Now, I can’t buffalo the Lord. So I laid it all out and I asked this question with sincere honesty?

Lord: how do I allow YOU to fill the gap here in my heart? How do you fill this obviously most important gap in my life?

I don’t know, I honestly don’t have a clue!

A prayer of lament

Psalms 46:10 (AMP) Let be and be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations! I will be exalted in the earth!

Father: I need to keep this verse constantly in mind. I am weak and feeble when it comes to my flesh. I’m literally miserable about it. I’ve allowed it to run amok and I don’t know what to do. I can’t make it better. When people come to me and try to tell me that you are ‘pleased’ with me, I don’t believe them. I see you like a big ‘father’ that is always half put out with me because I fail so often and fail this task. I try to get past my limited view of you and I just don’t do it. I don’t know how to ask you for help. I just am so miserable internally about this. Help me to cease striving and let be and be still as this Psalm admonishes me to do.

I absolutely hate being ‘weak’. I’m not into weakness, I want to be strong. Yet I am weak in this area. I might try to project strength, but I’m not. I’m weak.

I’m also silent. When I get like this, I shut down. I don’t talk to people and I don’t communicate with people. I just shut up. David admonishes me to not do this as well!

Psalms 51:15 (AMP) O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth shall show forth Your praise.

Thank you Father

Hyde (Sometimes Jekyll)