That Damnable Closet!

23:00 what a day this has been. I started out this morning by seeing a number of visions concerning cleaning out my closets. I have to do this or I will not be able to finish my race well. In the last several days, I’ve seen God at work in the deepest of recesses in my life. He showed me a picture of me with him in my house:

We were talking and walking along a hallway. He stopped in front of a closet. He said we needed to clean out the closet. I suddenly got very agitated and animated. I told him I thought that was a great idea. “You clean it out and when you’re done, let me know. I will be in the other room. You are the one that wants to clean it out, I don’t. Just let me know when you’re done.”

Then the vision was gone. I knew what it meant. It was brutally clear to me. I’ve been praying for many years asking God to clean out that damnable closet. I’ve asked, begged and pleaded for him to clean out the closet. It never got cleaned out. I made the comment on more than one occasion that it must be ok with God to have a dirty closet because I can’t get it cleaned and He doesn’t seem to want to. But the vision explained all of that. In order to clean out the closet, I have to actually GO INTO THE CLOSET to clean it. I have done everything but go into the closet. The closet is full of things I don’t want to see or feel. That is the issue here, I don’t want to feel those things again. I have managed to separate myself from those feelings and I don’t want to experience them again. I want them to simply go away. But that’s not what is going to happen. They aren’t going away and I’ve known that for a long time but wouldn’t admit it, rather thinking if I ignored them they would disappear.

So the Lord said the time is now to clean this closet. I was sitting in my office in stunned silence. Job said it best “that which I have so greatly feared has come upon me!” I asked “How do I do this?” Almost immediately I saw a picture of guys in my home fellowship and the pastor, Shannon, Jimmy, David and Ralph. I saw them sitting at the kitchen table at Ralph’s home. I also knew what that meant and slowly nodded my head. It meant I needed to open the closet, go into it and have them help me stay on my feet as I start cleaning. I’ve walked through this many times since Sunday and there are buckets of un shed tears in there. The shame of this is almost unbearable. I’m 62 and I shouldn’t be dealing with this crap at my age. But that doesn’t matter, because I am. I’m dealing with it now because I haven’t dealt with it sooner. The anger that is bound up inside is in that closet. The source of addictions is in the closet. My failures and sins are all in that closet. I sat at my desk looking out the window at the things He has shown me about this accursed closet. Before I do this Lord, I want to talk to my counselor because I feel safe there. I called and the only opening she had between now and August 11 was today at 5:00. On the way to her office the Lord quickened to me I needed to expand my zone of safety and this process will do that by letting Godly men know what is tearing me up inside. I was good at burying this for the last 35 years. I can’t do that anymore. It won’t stay buried.

So I am letting you 4 guys that are involved with my home fellowship know I need some time with you at Ralph’s house so I can start the cleaning process. I might add that I am really scared about this. This is new to me. My stomach is about 2 Tums short of throwing up at any minute.

James 5:16 (AMP) Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart]. The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working].

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The Wood Chips

It’s been too long since I posted anything. After surgery was over and a month of recovery time, I’ve had to go back to work. My boss has this ridiculous idea I need to be productive during work hours. Like DUH!

The last couple of weeks have been a blur. I fell on the way to the doctor’s office my knee cart hit a rock on the way to the ‘safe’ handicap ramp and flipped me over the handle bars landing squarely on my ribs. It wasn’t long before I realized the ability to breathe is important. The pain was so bad I laid down to “rest” and it took me a full 15 minutes to just roll over so I could sit up. Oh I wouldn’t wish rib damage on my worst enemy. So it’s taken me a couple of weeks to just recover from that. Blogging kind of fell off the radar screen if you know what I mean.

But this morning was special. I walked down the driveway to get the paper. I picked it up and as I was walking back up the driveway, I noticed the freshly spread wood chips to the right and the left of the house. This has been a concern of mine for some time. Most of the tree services in our area no longer cut and chip. They simply cut, stack and leave or take it with them. But they don’t bring chippers with them. But my wife found a company that chipped. We had to have some tree work done so she hired them.

Turns out they chip. After they were done, they had a load of chips and asked us where to put them. My lovely wife showed them. Since we need two loads of chips, I didn’t think much of it at the time. About a week later I was working and got a knock at the door. It was the driver of the chipper truck that did our work. “We are cutting in the area and need to dump this load of chips. Can you take another one?” Sure, so I showed him where to put it.

I thanked him and the Lord for the gift. But it wasn’t until this morning walking back up the driveway I connected the dots on the earlier concern I had about paying for the chips we would need. The Lord provided exactly what we needed when we needed it and I was so blind, I didn’t get that it was an answer to a ‘concern’ I had. I don’t remember if I prayed specifically for it or not, but The Lord did provide.

God is something special ain’t he?

Jekyll (Sometimes Hyde)