That Damnable Closet!

23:00 what a day this has been. I started out this morning by seeing a number of visions concerning cleaning out my closets. I have to do this or I will not be able to finish my race well. In the last several days, I’ve seen God at work in the deepest of recesses in my life. He showed me a picture of me with him in my house:

We were talking and walking along a hallway. He stopped in front of a closet. He said we needed to clean out the closet. I suddenly got very agitated and animated. I told him I thought that was a great idea. “You clean it out and when you’re done, let me know. I will be in the other room. You are the one that wants to clean it out, I don’t. Just let me know when you’re done.”

Then the vision was gone. I knew what it meant. It was brutally clear to me. I’ve been praying for many years asking God to clean out that damnable closet. I’ve asked, begged and pleaded for him to clean out the closet. It never got cleaned out. I made the comment on more than one occasion that it must be ok with God to have a dirty closet because I can’t get it cleaned and He doesn’t seem to want to. But the vision explained all of that. In order to clean out the closet, I have to actually GO INTO THE CLOSET to clean it. I have done everything but go into the closet. The closet is full of things I don’t want to see or feel. That is the issue here, I don’t want to feel those things again. I have managed to separate myself from those feelings and I don’t want to experience them again. I want them to simply go away. But that’s not what is going to happen. They aren’t going away and I’ve known that for a long time but wouldn’t admit it, rather thinking if I ignored them they would disappear.

So the Lord said the time is now to clean this closet. I was sitting in my office in stunned silence. Job said it best “that which I have so greatly feared has come upon me!” I asked “How do I do this?” Almost immediately I saw a picture of guys in my home fellowship and the pastor, Shannon, Jimmy, David and Ralph. I saw them sitting at the kitchen table at Ralph’s home. I also knew what that meant and slowly nodded my head. It meant I needed to open the closet, go into it and have them help me stay on my feet as I start cleaning. I’ve walked through this many times since Sunday and there are buckets of un shed tears in there. The shame of this is almost unbearable. I’m 62 and I shouldn’t be dealing with this crap at my age. But that doesn’t matter, because I am. I’m dealing with it now because I haven’t dealt with it sooner. The anger that is bound up inside is in that closet. The source of addictions is in the closet. My failures and sins are all in that closet. I sat at my desk looking out the window at the things He has shown me about this accursed closet. Before I do this Lord, I want to talk to my counselor because I feel safe there. I called and the only opening she had between now and August 11 was today at 5:00. On the way to her office the Lord quickened to me I needed to expand my zone of safety and this process will do that by letting Godly men know what is tearing me up inside. I was good at burying this for the last 35 years. I can’t do that anymore. It won’t stay buried.

So I am letting you 4 guys that are involved with my home fellowship know I need some time with you at Ralph’s house so I can start the cleaning process. I might add that I am really scared about this. This is new to me. My stomach is about 2 Tums short of throwing up at any minute.

James 5:16 (AMP) Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart]. The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working].

Time to reflect, repent and recharge

It’s been 10 days since I had sexual relations with a woman not my wife. The first time in 40 years. The emotions of the moment have long passed and I need to do some serious reflection.

There is no excuse for this behavior. it is sin, period! Immediately upon waking the next morning I knew I needed to repent and confess this to a Christian brother. I did exactly that. He was the first person that came to mind though. Not my wife. Over the next week i began to search out the why’s of the the situation. “Why had I felt the need to do this?” Psalm 51 makes it clear my sin is against God. I needed to work with Him to get through this mess.

Over the week it became obvious I needed to deal with the relationship problem I have with my wife. This is where it gets tricky. Not because I won’t tell her, but it’s the why’s that are the problems. I am not going into detail now, but I will say this through. The Lord made it clear to me I needed to come clean about the issues that have been bugging me and made this obviously sinful action look like a good idea.

I got the idea to sit down and write out the event as I saw it at the time. I did that. I wrote out everything about the event I could and how I felt about it.

Then I got the idea to step back and actually look at what happened and how I felt about each step along the way. When I did that, I saw 5 or six distinct stages I experienced that I felt were important. Why those things are no longer available in my marriage.

Finally the idea came to explain the stages to my counselor. She will not be caught off guard and will be able to help me understand my feelings. I don’t share feelings well. She will help me.

Finally the idea came to me to have my wife and I both enter into counseling.

I have always thought Psalm 23’s reference to “the valley of the shadow of death” would refer to some external event. It never occurred to me the valley would be internal.

In and Out of the Closet

I’m not sure the world needs another blog about Gay’s and the church and the Bible. Well, I’m going to write one anyway. This issue the Holy Spirit hit home to me. I’ve been married nigh on 40 years. No troubles at all at home beyond the normal marital issues.

I am a born again believer. I know the Word and have a good relationship with The Lord. But then “it” happened. Eight years ago I was on a business trip. I’ve traveled all of my adult life and have always been very careful about engaging in any activity that would endanger my marriage.

I can’t tell you why this happened but it did. I drank too much and found myself in a strange house on my knees getting ready to give a transexual a blow job. I didn’t, but I wanted to.

Every since that night, this has been a struggle for me.

Now it’s getting worse. There used to be a lot of Jekyll and a bit of Hyde. Now it seems like Hyde is catching up.

I’ve counselors about sexual issues. They know some of the issues, but not all of them. Since I don’t talk about this with anyone, I thought I would blog about it and let the Lord work through it with me.

Hebrews 13:5 (ESV)
[5] Keep your life *free from love of money, and *be content with what you have, for he has said, *“I will never leave you nor forsake you.”