How will the Lord fill this gap in my heart?

23:11 It’s no secret I’ve been running from sexual addiction issues for so many years. I found in the last year though that I simply can’t run anymore. Not only that, sexual issues from WAY back have surfaced and I’ve caved in and ‘acted out’ as Patrick Carnes would say.

This morning, I spent a couple of hours just asking the Lord questions about why I am where I am. I listened to some new musical group I hadn’t even been aware of until yesterday. ‘Gregorian’ Is a unique group and they have a really good mix of sounds. I heard them do Clapton’s classic “Tears in Heaven” and I simply broke down. I’m thankful it happened early in the morning (06:00 AM) so I didn’t bother my wife. During this time the Lord showed me event and event and event where I experienced rejection and rather than face it, I buried it. This isn’t just when I was a kid, but spread out over time even up until the last few years. I saw it. It made sense to me. It’s a complete embarrassment to me to admit it, but sexual rejection has been rather commonplace.

Now, I can’t buffalo the Lord. So I laid it all out and I asked this question with sincere honesty?

Lord: how do I allow YOU to fill the gap here in my heart? How do you fill this obviously most important gap in my life?

I don’t know, I honestly don’t have a clue!

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The 6th Stage

I was traveling a couple of weeks ago and while I was in my hotel watching a sporting event, the Lord interrupted me with a startling discussion about my sexual life (or lack thereof, depending on your angle!). I began seeing pictures of events in my life that have shaped my attitudes about sex. As I began relaxing and listening, I began to see some rather amazing things.

I have had a very specific sexual fantasy for at least 25 years and maybe longer. While I won’t elaborate on the fantasy, the Lord began to walk me through it. There were six definite stages to the story. Each step was distinct. As I saw these steps, I saw the woman in the dream was a composite of my wife. I saw that in each step, I was putting her needs first and foremost. I was not after a “quickie” but my goal was for her to relax and enjoy an evening of pleasure. After a period of time I was still sitting on the edge of the bed with my keys in my hand and simply listening. He showed me all of the steps were about communication. I nodded as I really concentrated on what I was seeing. The 6th step was a deeply engaging sexual encounter. That was what I said out loud as I viewed the 6th stage. The Lord then dropped a bombshell on me. He told me I had never used the term “making love” to describe stage 6, but I always use the term “having sex”. I was stunned, but He was right. I had never used the term “making love” in my life, not once. He then brought to light I usually skipped right through or over stages 1-5 to get to stage 6. All I could do was nod. He went into great detail to show me all the stages were about communication. It’s the “knew” in “Adam knew Eve”. I saw that there was nobody that has ever “known” me. My wife certainly doesn’t “know” me. No one does. If I am careful to walk through the stages with intent, stage 6 will take care of itself and even if I don’t get to stage 6, because I took the time to invest in the earlier stages, I will be in better shape all around.

I just sat there for a long time (it was now almost dark) thinking about what I just experienced. I just learned that on the most important part of marriage, I get a double F minus. No wonder she isn’t interested in me. Why should she be? I have missed giving her the one thing I’m really supposed to give her, and that’s MOI!

So being clueless about intimacy and “knowing” someone and being “known” I asked the Lord “What do I do now?” Instantly and I mean INSTANTLY I saw three pictures. One was my counselor, the next were the two empty chairs in her office and the third was my wife and I. Well even I can figure that one out.

I emailed my counselor and told her I needed to meet for 90 minutes with her. She quickly set it up for me in 6 days. As I approached the time I was to spend with her, I sensed the Lord wanted me to share the fantasy with her. Well, that wasn’t what I wanted to hear. The fantasy is charged with emotion and highly intense sexual content. I wasn’t sure how to deal with that. But the Lord showed me how to deal with it and as I told her what happened, the right words and descriptions just seemed to pop up.

She was quick to tell me it would not be wise to tell her all of the details of my “adventures”, either male or female. But I could use the communications issue as the reason for wanting to get counseling together. She gave me assurance the Lord would be there and would allow the moments and events that He wanted out in the open to come out and for me to not worry about it.

I told my bride about my idea and she was pleasantly surprised that I suggested it. We both have surgery coming up and there are some definite hard times coming down the road, but it is clear I’m not in this alone!