How will the Lord fill this gap in my heart?

23:11 It’s no secret I’ve been running from sexual addiction issues for so many years. I found in the last year though that I simply can’t run anymore. Not only that, sexual issues from WAY back have surfaced and I’ve caved in and ‘acted out’ as Patrick Carnes would say.

This morning, I spent a couple of hours just asking the Lord questions about why I am where I am. I listened to some new musical group I hadn’t even been aware of until yesterday. ‘Gregorian’ Is a unique group and they have a really good mix of sounds. I heard them do Clapton’s classic “Tears in Heaven” and I simply broke down. I’m thankful it happened early in the morning (06:00 AM) so I didn’t bother my wife. During this time the Lord showed me event and event and event where I experienced rejection and rather than face it, I buried it. This isn’t just when I was a kid, but spread out over time even up until the last few years. I saw it. It made sense to me. It’s a complete embarrassment to me to admit it, but sexual rejection has been rather commonplace.

Now, I can’t buffalo the Lord. So I laid it all out and I asked this question with sincere honesty?

Lord: how do I allow YOU to fill the gap here in my heart? How do you fill this obviously most important gap in my life?

I don’t know, I honestly don’t have a clue!


This world and it’s ruler(s) are all screwed up

17:43 What an incredible day. I had dreams last night about me being in a Stryker with my wife and we were running around on hills with mud.

I also had a vision this morning about a former employee. She was a VP I had come to know and love as a good friend and top flight professional. One day on a conference call I’m informed she’s no longer there and no one and I mean NO ONE will speak her name. Who knows what happened there. But suddenly she shows up a vendor we work with as a VP there with a different last name. I have no clue what happened and I’m not going to pursue to find out. But this morning as I was reading the Word and going over the scriptures in 1 Peter 4, the Lord gave me a vision. It was a vision that showed me God’s love for her and how she needs prayer and encouragement.

That vision sort of set the tone for the day. The entire day has been a day of tender spots. I watched a couple of movies that were difficult. One with Marlo Thomas (true story) about a mother whose Daughter got cancer, and then she got cancer and she was in the middle of a divorce, and I might add a difficult divorce. The mother died. It was such a difficult story for me. I actually cried over it.

I think the difficulty is seeing people and their lives in the light of spiritual warfare. Shit is happening all around us and people are being killed right and left, and you feel so damned impotent. One man spoke in our home fellowship last night about the fact so many people have such divergent views of spiritual warfare that it is somewhat of a difficult concept to talk about. People really don’t understand it.

I don’t know how I can fight this war. The man brought up a great point last night: What Jesus calls you to do will be resisted by the enemy. I don’t know if I am being shown the resistance now or I am in training now to learn how to face upcoming resistance. Either way it’s a tough nut to crack.

I’m trying to work through some difficult business issues. Work is such a cluster. This deal I’m working with is an unmitigated disaster. The guy responsible for the mess is sitting on his ass and not doing anything. I have no respect for him in his position because he simply isn’t doing what is right. When he goes to see a customer he is full of shit. I’ve heard him talk. Instead of admitting we were wrong, he wants to blame someone else. He is continually blaming the program and that is in essence he’s blaming me. We caused the problem, just fix the damn thing. What’s right isn’t as much an issue as what’s cheapest. That’s another problem with sin and what Adam did. Everything is fucked up. Everything. Work, dating, marriage, everything is fucked up because of sin. Jesus certainly paid the price for us, but that doesn’t eliminate the problem, it provides a temporary solution. We are strangers on a strange planet inhabited by inept creatures caught in the middle of cosmic warfare that is killing people everywhere and they simply don’t get it!

Go figure!

Shame: I’m not doing well in dealing with it

It’s been hard for me to get back on my feet because of the shame of my last sexual bender. People who really don’t understand or know what I’ve been struggling with will blithely tell you to not be ashamed. Most of these people don’t have a clue what they are talking about. The ones who do, usually keep their mouths shut from such meaningless theological tripe. I have one friend who was a lesbian (she would tell she used to be, but isn’t now) that I can speak to about this. She’s 17 years younger than I, but a truer friend I doubt I will ever have. I told her of my recent struggles with Mr. Hyde. She understood completely and instead of giving me platitudes, she gave me her love and support. She told me if I needed to text or call her to do so anytime. Her friendship and input is worth a thousand well meaning but ignorant people who simply don’t know! This whole sexual business is fucked up in my life, and I mean TOTALLY fucked up. I realize not only do I not have a clue about how the Lord meant it to be, but I never have even been close. My wife has had to suffer through my pathetic efforts at “love” and that truly aggravates me and is a source of deep shame. Who the hell wouldn’t be ashamed of the stuff I’ve pulled and the attitudes I have? I hate it, I just hate it, but there is not a damned thing I can do to change the past, and unless there is some unknown something happening soon, there is NO sex in my future.

Last Thursday my wife and I attended a healing service at our old church. I went forward for some physical issues. The man that prayed for me laid hands on me and I immediately felt a tremendous peace. He was praying for my arm, but the peace flowed through me so I could relax. Every time he laid hands on me I was literally flooded with peace. I liked that. I needed that.

But something else happened that unnerved me. He told me the Lord was telling me He loved me me very much and I was very valuable and thought of highly by Him and He was proud of me. What is interesting is I heard him say this to me. But I didn’t believe a word of it. I find that more than a bit disturbing. For I surely know in my head God does think like that. I know that’s what the scriptures tell me and I believe the scriptures. But when someone tells me that, I don’t believe a word of it. I think it’s because I know me. I know what I am like.

Hebrews 12:1-4 (HCSB) {12:1} Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, {2} keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne. {3} For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, so that you won’t grow weary and lose heart. {4} In struggling against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

Fear cometh in the morning …

Psalms 34:4-5 TNIV) {4} I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. {5} Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

I am having a very difficult time. I know what I am called to do. I know when I am going to retire. I also know I am a born again, tongue talking Christian who loves God.

I have also learned as Dr. Jekyll did, that Mr. Hyde is never far from me. Mr. Hyde is capable and willing to do any devious, sinful thing there is. He would engage in illicit sex. He thinks nothing of performing oral sex on other men. In fact, he likes it! He is a liar and as unworthy an individual as there ever was.

But somehow, the Gospel has gotten a hold of Jekyll and he now has a completely different view of Hyde. Hyde is wicked beyond measure. Yet Hyde resides within the same body as the Holy Spirit! WHATS UP WITH THAT!!!

I wake up fearful of Hyde and his ability to screw up my life. Will my wife discover THIS aspect of Hyde? Will she learn that Hyde (not Jekyll) is a liar and a pervert? Even though Jekyll understands there are two people here, just try to convince Mrs. Jekyll that it is Hyde and not Jekyll that has done these wicked things. She won’t buy it for a minute!

Coming around to course one four zero

“Come around to course one four zero.” These are the words from one of my favorite movies of all time, “The Enemy Below”. The destroyer captain (Robert Mitchum) realizes that the sub commander (Curt Jergens) always returns to his original heading of one four zero after there is a scrape between his destroyer and Curt Jergens’s sub.

This morning, the Lord brought this to my attention as I was reading. I started reading Timothy Keller’s mini-series book on “The Great Enemy”. I realize I’ve been in a battle the last couple of weeks and I’ve not done well. I know the Lord wants me to get back up and move forward. Well when I started to read Keller’s book, I began to have my interest stirred and my attention to the Word come roaring back to life. Keller’s book sets the foundation for spiritual warfare. This is an area God has anointed me. As I started to read, I began to see that many of the things I have learned and seen over the last couple of months were being confirmed by Keller. That was when I “heard” Curt Jergens say “Come around to course one four zero”. I knew immediately the Lord was telling me I was returning to the course He set for me. I’ve just come through a battle that has taken me off course, but now I am returning to course one four zero.

War of the flesh (Jekyll)

This last weekend was simply amazing. I attended a seminar at a church in town about prophetic gifts and how to use and identify the gifts the Lord has given you. I really liked the speaker for a number of reasons. Not the least of which he was from Texas! (Hook-em Horns!).

The last couple of weeks have been incredibly bad for me. Hyde has been ruling the roost. My flesh has simply been out of control. I learned things about me that i didn’t know existed. It was mortifying to say the least!

But as the Lord is want to do, he pulled me out of the fire and he used the little man from Texas to do it! I came into the seminar exhausted and whipped, but left with an assurance that the Lord was with me and that the things I had been learning the last couple of weeks were right on target.

Finding out the heart is deceitful beyond your wildest dreams

After several days of Mr. Hyde out roaming the streets, today Jekyll showed up for work.

I finally had time to think about everything that has been happening in the last couple of weeks. I’ve just spent the day doing some work, but looking for guys that I could chat with and thinking about sex. Of course the adult site I joined is filled with guys like me. I’m sure that’s how they make their money. None the less, I’m a member and it fascinates me to see how many married guys my age that are in the same boat I’m in. I have no clue where their relationship stands with the Lord, but I just know there are literally thousands of married men like me that are struggling with the same issues. The main issue for me is oral sex. I want to give oral sex to men. Most of these men want the same thing. for sure, they want other things I want nothing to do with, but the oral sex is one of the driving forces that have them on there.

I could within minutes find a guy close to me and meet him at a time and place of choice. I could get all the oral sex I want anytime I want. Oh the miracles of the Internet. When I was in school, you had to make an effort to locate an adult bookstore (if you could find one) and actually get in your car and go there. Of course the “hunt” was very exciting as was the score. But today is different. Its a few mouse clicks and viola there on the screen in front of you in high definition is anything you want in any size, shape or color. The Internet is truly amazing!

I’m still trying to sort out my heart. Obviously it is screwed up big time. But can I take heart that God is with me? Yes I can. Do I believe He will work this out? Yes I do. How He will do that is yet to be determined.